Welcome to In My DMs, a series where I answer the questions that people ask me on Instagram, in the sex ed classroom, and sometimes while I’m out walking my dog. If you want to receive these directly to your inbox as I publish them, you can subscribe to my Substack here!
Here’s this week’s question:
How can I navigate feeling dissatisfied with my own body, even amid amazing sexual satisfaction?
Hey babe,
Body dissatisfaction or self-consciousness is one of those things that we all feel at some point, so before we get into this, know that you aren’t alone (no matter what your brain might be telling you).
Many of us have been passively taught all throughout our lives that our bodies are only worthy of being shown off, enjoyed, or proud of if they fit one very specific mold. (Some of us are even directly taught this!)
The reality — and I suspect you know this — is that your body is worthy of pride, joy, and pleasure simply because you exist in it.
External, capitalism-fueled pressures aside, I often find that when we feel dissatisfied with our bodies, we are feeling out of control about something.
Sometimes, we feel out of control of our time. Our schedules and routines don’t feel like our own.
Sometimes, we feel out of control because of shifts in our family structures, living situation, or work.
Sometimes, we feel out of control because our body is doing what bodies are built to do: change. This is not something we can control or stop. Aging, size changes, grey hair, and wrinkles are all part of the whole “being alive” thing. But even though those changes are totally normal, they can make us feel like we don’t even recognize ourselves, and in that lack of self-recognition, judgment and self-criticism often take root.
I had an eating disorder from an early age — it first showed up when I was just 10 years old — and even though I’ve been in recovery for years, I still have to work really hard to trust and hold myself when my body shifts. My new grey streak, inexplicably wrinkled arms, the way my hair changed texture, and even the way my face has changed shape all just…throw me for a loop.
When we let the self-criticism, the “not-good-enough”, the “how I used to look”, and the “my life would be better if my body looked like ________” messages take root, suddenly, we become even more vulnerable to predatory advertising.
I’ll be real: You are allowed to modify your body any way you want. Botox, fillers, plastic surgery, new hairstyles, whatever — your body is yours, and it is okay to play around with aesthetics. There is no judgment or shame in any of those things.
But if the pain is coming from a sense of self-image, or feeling like you aren’t good enough, those external shifts won’t change how you are feeling inside. Instead, we have to shore up our defensive strategies and retrain our minds to see our bodies with joy, love, and compassion.
As babies and toddlers, we naturally do this! Have you ever seen a baby look at their feet? They are amazed by them. Babies love a big, warm, soft belly. Babies love observing how different all of our bodies are. The shame doesn’t come until a little later, but once it does, it’s deeply ingrained.
There is no quick fix to help you feel satisfied with your body again. But there are simple practices you can put into place to teach you how to love your body again. Here are some of my favorite strategies.
Appreciating What Your Body Is Giving You Right Now (Pleasure!)
You said it yourself — your sex life is fantastic right now. Your body is an active participant in that.
Your body is giving you so much good. It is helping you feel good. It is carrying you through this very challenging world. It is co-creating erotic experiences that are deeply satisfying to you.
Have you thanked your body for that?
When we express gratitude toward our bodies for the things it is giving us, we start to gently turn our attention toward the abundant, positive, pleasurable, and joyful. When we bring our attention there, we crave more of it, and we notice those pleasurable things more. How does the summer breeze feel on your skin? What types of touch light you up in your core?
Let’s find a way for you to build a daily pleasure-gratitude practice. I’ll give an example of a general, 10-minute framework, and you can adapt it for your own preferences and physical abilities. Feel free to light a candle, dim lighting, or play relaxing music for this.
Start by sitting up on your bed, however you are comfortable. Keep your eyes open, but don’t use a mirror for this step. Look down at your own body and say “this is my body” as you squeeze your own hands together. Then, use your hands to touch specific parts of your body, moving from the top of your body on down. You might start at your shoulders or chest, but you could also start with your head/face. Remember, your eyes are open for this activity.
Using your hands, touch each body zone and say out loud “This is my body. It brings me joy and pleasure. It helps me move through this world. I love, respect, and appreciate it.” Repeat it as you move down your body toward different zones, all the way down to your feet. Gaze at your body as you do this, watching your hands touch each section.
At this point, you might be mentally telling me to fuck off because you don’t currently feel like you love, respect, and appreciate your body. Right now, it’s okay to fake it. Let yourself hear those kind words. Repeating them helps to reset the default narrative in your head. One day, you’ll find that you are starting to believe it more and more.
Once you have felt your way down your body, go find a mirror — ideally a full-length one, but use what you have available to you. Look at yourself in the mirror while you repeat this exercise, just as you did before, while saying “This is my body. It has an unlimited capacity for pleasure and joy.” Watch your body receive love, tenderness, and appreciation from yourself. As you wrap up, say “thank you” out loud to yourself.
If you are in an extremely self-critical moment, this exercise can bring up a lot of challenging feelings, so be kind to yourself. If you need to take a break, take a break. Listen to the signals your body is giving you, both as it says “more, please” and “I need a moment to breathe.”
Using Self-Compassion to Build Body Love
When we talk about body feelings, we often talk about self-esteem. But when I’m working with folks on (re)building a loving relationship with their body, I think about self-compassion.
Self-compassion asks us to engage with ourselves with the same unconditional love and supportive honesty that we would give our closest loved ones. Dr. Kristin Neff, whose psychological research built much of the self-compassion framework we see popularized today, has fantastic resources on her website. One of my most-commonly assigned homework activities is the “How would you treat a friend?” exercise.
Many of us are loving and supportive toward our friends, even if we aren’t able to reflect that same energy back toward ourselves. That exercise is a great way to start directing that energy toward yourself, too. If you are feeling frustrated or judgmental toward yourself for the feelings you are having about your body, a self-compassionate framework is going to be essential.
Find Non-Aesthetic Measures to Help You Feel Connected to Yourself
Many of us are taught that our worth is tied to our weight or waist size, but again — that is bullshit. Your worth is about you as a human being, not you as a number.
Some of us really shy away from data, and if that’s you, then take this section with a grain of salt. But if you are someone who is inclined to track numbers, then let’s use that for your benefit.
What are some non-aesthetic measures you can use to connect with your body? Some examples might be “felt strong today” or “did a body scan meditation for 10 minutes.” Both are ways of measuring how you are engaging with your body, but they have nothing to do with your shape, size, or aesthetic. They’re about you being present with yourself and noticing those moments of pleasure and groundedness.
Sometimes, after we have really intense orgasms or long rounds of solo/partnered sex, we wake up the next morning to aching muscles that we didn’t even know we had. In that scenario, your non-aesthetic measure could be something like “had an orgasm so intense that my outer thighs were sore the next day.”
You can even log these things in something like a one-line-a-day journal — it’s just a way of noticing all of the different sensations your body gives you. When you reflect back on these, you can remember the sensations or experiences, but they won’t be tied to how you feel about your aesthetic. It’s about the experience of your body — not the perception of it.
Do an Algorithmic Reset
If you’ve taken a workshop with me, you know that this is something I talk about a lot. Social media apps are designed to sell you things — at this point in time, that is literally their function and business model.
You buy more things — supplements, $700 hair stylers, new clothes, etc — when you feel like there is something wrong with you.
I know I’ve said this three different ways already, but it bears repeating: Body shame is profitable to companies. So is your feed trying to engineer your self-consciousness?
Scroll through your feed and unfollow or mute accounts that make you twinge with feelings of not-good-enoughness. Then, specifically seek out accounts that make you feel a spark of joy or connection. Follow people with bodies that are very different from your own. Follow people who have bodies that move through the world differently.
When you get to an ad that is aesthetically-driven, tap the ad settings (usually three dots in a corner) and ask not to see ads from that company or about that thing anymore.
Even if you’ve done this before, it’s worth repeating a few times each year, because sometimes, things just get thrown out of whack (and again, the algorithm profits from you questioning yourself).
Treat Body Appreciation as Something to Study
When we’ve been taught that body judgment is the norm, we have to specifically re-learn to not judge our bodies (and other people’s). There are tons of great books about this as general concepts, and they’re worth keeping on your shelf to revisit anytime you need them.
Sonya Renee Taylor’s The Body Is Not an Apology (and the associated workbook) have a cult-like following for good reason. Body Language: Writers on Identity, Physicality, and Making Space for Ourselves is one of my favorite books I’ve ever read — period. The Body Positive Journal is a sweet and helpful guided resource. If you’re into somatics, Returning Home to Our Bodies has some great mindset work.
There are of course some great titles focused on specific issues — menopause, disability, postpartum, survivorship, gender things, and more — but this list can get you started more broadly.
Building that loving and compassionate relationship with your body is a lifelong process, babe — and that’s okay.
Take it moment by moment, and when things are hard, turn toward the simplest, smallest thing that you can appreciate and love on while you regrow that emotional skill. You’ve got this!
XOXO,
C
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