For two and a half years, I ran a magical, delightful book club.
It started a thought I had in the shower, early in the pandemic. At the time, I was pretty preoccupied — we had just bought out house and we were making a lot of changes to it. I was also filming You Deserve Good Sex and teaching online. I did my first merch drop. And…it was the pandemic.
But as 2020 came to a close, I was really missing more intimate teaching environments. I wanted to consistently be able to connect with my students, even if we were connecting online. But I was also feeling really burnt out on developing new curricula, and I wanted something less formal than a classroom. Plus, I had this monster reading list that I had barely tackled.
So one day, while I was in the shower, I thought of a membership-based book club where I’d curate a list of books focused on sex, sexuality, gender, relationships, and the world. We’d read them and discuss, and maybe we’d learn some new things. It would be low pressure for everyone.
Book club launched in February 2021, and it was so well received that I opened a second section of it.
I loved leading book club. I met so many amazing people (almost 100!) and I even gotten to meet some of them in person. We’re all over the US and Canada, but book club gets all the juiciest news first — who is planning to propose to their partner, who is moving across the country, who is getting divorced, who is having a baby.
In short, it’s been a delight. I love book club, and I love my bookclubbers.
But after two and a half years of screening books, often reading three or four books for every one I assigned, I was feeling tired. I wanted to read lazily, without a deadline. So I made the tough decision to pause book club, for now.
Now, for the first time, I’m publicly sharing the complete list of books that we read in two and a half years of Sex-Positive Book Club! It’s full of eye-opening reads, and I truly believe there is something for everyone.
In curating books for book club, I kept a few things in mind:
- It needed to take an honest look at some aspect of sex, sexuality, gender, relationships, and bodies. I didn’t want fluff — I wanted grit and complexity.
- It needed to be a relatively quick read. Combined with the first criteria, this was a tough one. I filtered out a lot of books simply because they were too long, even though they would have been great. The books I’ve chosen for book club can reasonably be read in 3 weeks, even if you read slowly. Most of them took me less than 15 hours to read.
- It needed to feel refreshing. I didn’t pick books that I thought everyone would like (though I did avoid some titles that would get almost universally bashed). Instead, I picked books that were, for the most part, published in the past decade. As we got deeper into book club and as publishing the sexuality sphere picked up pace, I assigned things that had been published within the last 3 years. Critically, they needed to address topics that we don’t talk about enough.
Using those basic guidelines, I curated 30 books for us to read — with even more on my “maybe” or “future” lists!
So, here it is. The complete list of what we read in two and a half years of sex-positive book club. There are some tried-and-true favorites on her, but also some hidden gems. I hope you find something that feels curiosity-inspiring for you.
Want to join the rebooted Sex-Positive Book Club? Sign-up here!
I’m publishing this list now, because I have just officially reopened book club! We won’t be reading any of the titles we previously covered, and there are some key changes: we meet every other month instead of monthly, our dates are pre-set a year in advance, we have a new community space and group chat, and I’ve opened up a section that will exclusively focus on books for parents and caregivers. If you have FOMO, you can join the new-and-improved book club here!
30 Books About Sex, Sexuality, Gender, and Culture to Add to Your TBR Stack
1. The Monster Under the Bed by Joellen Notte (February 2021)
Book club was conceived at the height of the COVID-19 pandemic when many people were feeling isolated, alone, and deeply struggling with their mental health. I decided to start with The Monster Under the Bed because many of us were having conversations (or at least wondering) how we could engage pleasurably with our sex lives when our mental health had hit record lows.
Part memoir, part practical guidebook, The Monster Under the Bed talks about navigating the medical system, starting with one small task, and how to find the surprising sparks that may help make pleasure feel more possible.
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2. Pleasure Activism by adrienne maree brown (March 2021)
Pleasure Activism was released in 2019, and in the sex ed world, people were raving about it — but I still hadn’t read it! This was the first (and certainly not the last) time that I assigned a book so that I could commit to reading it.
Pleasure Activism is a collection of essays curated by adrienne maree brown. Some are fantastical, others are practical; some are autobiographical, and others play with alternate realities. At the heart of each one is the belief that pleasure is something that we all fundamentally deserve to have in our lives.
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3. Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters (April 2021)
When I was an undergraduate student, a professor assigned a Sarah Waters book (Affinity) for a gothic fiction class. Waters quickly became one of my favorite authors, and since Affinity was assigned, I’ve bought and read every one of Waters’ books.
I designed to assign Tipping the Velvet as our first fiction break in book club. At the time, it felt like we were ready for it – but now it feels like I assigned it so early. I mean, it’s the third book we read. Regardless, Tipping the Velvet was a blush-inducing experience for our bookclubbers. It’s set in the late 19th century and is queer as fuck. It talks about gender, performance, being seen, and power — and about how all of those things intersect. There’s also a very intense and descriptive strap-on sex scene. You’re welcome.
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4. Pure by Linda Kay Klein (May 2021)
Linda Kay Klein’s Pure is part memoir, part journalistic endeavor, and it’s one of the earliest books we read in book club. It’s also one that we referenced almost every single month when discussing other books – it’s that powerful.
At times, this is a very challenging read. Its descriptions of the Evangelical movement in the United States, and how it affected a generation of women, is told through many different interviews and personal stories. At times, it’s gut-wrenching — but it also talks about so many topics that are becoming increasingly relevant today. The ending is uplifting and bittersweet.
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5. The Body Is Not an Apology (June 2021)
To balance out Pure’s intensity, we turned to another book that at times was challenging, but fundamentally was hopeful. The Body Is Not an Apology is a classic, and I assigned it knowing that many of my bookclubbers may have read it in the past (or were at least familiar with it). This was the second edition, so there were some updates and expansions over the original version.
The Body Is Not an Apology is all about radical body acceptance — both of our own bodies and other people’s. It also includes journaling prompts for reflection and small practices that you can bring into your day to day life.
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6. Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski (July 2021)
In the first year of book club, I was focused on assigning high-impact educational books. I pulled from my experience teaching classes and coaching clients to come up with a list of the most common questions and topics, then pulled books that discussed them.
Come As You Are was the easy answer to a question I get on a nearly daily basis — How can I increase my libido? Am I normal? Grounded in years of sexological research plus composite interviews with a few key people, Come As You Are breaks down the science of (cisgender) women’s sexual desire.
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7. Nina Here Nor There by Nick Kreiger (August 2021)
This is another book that was assigned to me as an undergrad in a Queer Theory seminar — by the same professor who assigned Affinity, in fact.
Nina Here Nor There is a memoir by Nick Kreiger. At times, it’s hilariously early 2000s, but for the most part, it’s a heartfelt exploration of how we understand ourselves in relation to the world and our closer community. It also unpacks how other people can help us explore or engage with our gender.
One thing I love about this book is how it grapples with certainty and the lack of it. Kreiger is so open about how much he doesn’t know about gender, and doesn’t shy away from the uncomfortable reactions he has to others (and at times, himself). It’s a messy exploration of self, community, and family.
(Quick note: I’m using he pronouns here because today, Nick Kreiger uses he/him pronouns. At the time that he published the book, he used they pronouns — and you’ll see some of this language shift throughout the book itself)
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8. Vibrator Nation by Lynn Comella (September 2021)
A history book! Vibrator Nation is a properly academic book — it’s literally published by Duke University Press. If you’re a history buff or curious about how sex toys developed in the United States, this is the book for you.
Originally published in 2017, Vibrator Nation chronicles the rise of the feminist-run sex toy shop. A lot has changed since 2017! But if you’re wondering how we so quickly transformed from a country full of crappy sex toys to a rapidly expanding multi-billion dollar industry, this book lays out the historical developments.
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9. Bang! Masturbation for All Genders and Abilities by Vic Liu (October 2021)
Bang! is an educational comic. It’s super short — the page count comes in at 192 pages, but they’re small, and each one only has a few sentences on it. If you’re looking for an approachable guide to masturbation, this is a solid go-to.
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10. Ace by Angela Chen (November 2021)
This was a book that I wanted to assign for ages, and I pre-ordered the paperback edition months before it came out.
Like Pure, Angela Chen’s Ace is part memoir, part journalistic endeavor. It explores Chen’s own relationship with asexuality but also interviews many people across the asexual and aromantic spectrums. It unpacks so many complex topics efficiently and without preamble. If you want to learn more about asexuality, both for yourself or just in general, this is a great read.
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11. Getting It by Allison Moon (December 2021)
Getting It’s subtitle is “A Guide to Hot, Healthy Hook-Ups and Shame-Free Sex” but I’ve recommended this book to many people in long-term relationships. It’s a fantastic sex ed overview that’s relevant for monogamously partnered folks and for people who are deep in their shame-free slut lifestyle. It’s ultimately about how to compassionately communicate and explore sexually, both on your own and with other people.
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12. Polysecure by Jessica Fern (January 2022)
Before this point, I’d assigned plenty of books that didn’t need to be read in linear order. Many of them could be read chapter-by-chapter, or as folks were interested in them. But Polysecure was the first one that I preemptively told the group to read out of order. I stand by that recommendation – Polysecure reads best when you start with section 3, then go back and read 1 and 2 in order.
Polysecure is written by a polyamorous therapist. It talks about her personal experience, but also offers some theoretical and practical frameworks about attachment theory and polyamory. The practical frameworks come at the end, and if you’re not a theoretically minded person, you might find yourself getting distracted in the earlier sections. So, start at part 3 with the practical and go back to the theory afterwards. You’ll likely find it more relatable and engaging that way.
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13. How to Understand Your Gender by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker (February 2022)
At first glance, some people might write this off as a book that is exclusively for trans folks. While it’s written by two trans people, its content and prompts can absolutely be beneficial to cisgender folks as well — especially those who feel particularly bound or misaligned with some of the gender roles they were assigned when they were younger.
Overall, this is one of my favorite resources that we read in book club. I assign it to cis and trans folks alike when I’m coaching. It’s cozy, supportive, and gentle, and absolutely packed to the brim with gems of information.
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14. Greedy by Jen Winston (March 2022)
This book was published in late 2021 and for months, it was all over my feed. This was another example of a book I assigned so that I would finally get around to reading it.
Greedy is Jen Winston’s messy coming-of-age story that centers around them exploring their bisexuality. Each chapter focuses on a different topic and phase of their life. Read it because you want to feel less alone in your messy, hard-to-define feelings about your sexuality and identity.
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15. Beyond Shame by Matthias Roberts (April 2022)
Beyond Shame is the therapist’s response to Pure. Although the title is pretty broad, it’s really geared toward LGBTQ+ Christians — or at least queer and trans folks who were raised Christian.
Like many of the books on this list, it’s part memoir, part practical guide. If you’re someone who can’t engage with Bible verse or discussion of Christianity, it might not be the book for you. But for folks who are looking to integrate queerness and Christianity, it can be incredibly helpful.
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16. Handbook for a Post-Roe America by Robin Marty (May 2022)
I assigned this book and then promptly had to apologize to my bookclubbers — the Supreme Court issued its Dobbs decision, which overturned Roe v. Wade, shortly after we finished reading this one.
This book was reissued in 2021, but even now, some of its legislative information will be outdated. Abortion policy in the United States has massively changed between 2021 and now. This is fundamentally a practical support guide for accessing abortion and supporting people as they navigate legislative uncertainty.
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17. Late to the Party by Kelly Quindlen (June 2022)
A fiction break! It had been truly forever since our last fiction break. Late to the Party is a queer coming-of-age story. It’s sweet, tense, and leaves you wanting to know all of the characters even more (Kelly, if you want to publish a companion novel from each of the other character’s perspectives, I don’t think anyone would complain).
Read it if you want to feel teen angst, hope, and the heart-racing feeling of falling in love for the first time.
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18. You Know, Sex by Cory Silverberg (July 2022)
Keeping up with the teen theme from the prior month, in July 2022 we read You Know, Sex by Cory Silverberg. Silverberg has written a bunch of books focused on kids — from board books to books for young elementary schoolers, to this guide aimed at middle schoolers, they know what kids want (and need) to know.
You Know, Sex is a graphic novel and guide that follows four middle schoolers. It’s delightfully inclusive and very colorful. It’s a hefty book, but since it’s a graphic novel, it’s also a quick read.
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19. Between Certain Death and a Possible Future by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore (September 2022)
This collection of essays was curated and edited by Mattilda Bernstein Sycamore. Assigning this as a book club read felt absolutely imperative — I knew that this collection of essays would go under the radar for most of the people in our group.
All of the essays are focused on the “in-between” generation — queer and trans folks who came of age during the AIDS crisis, before medication was widely available but as treatments started to improve. Each essay cuts to the bone. This book has stuck with me the most out of any other assignment over the two and a half years I’ve run book club.
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20. What Fresh Hell Is This? By Heather Corinna (October 2022)
Ah, menopause. The great beyond. The croning. Or something like it. I watched Heather Corinna write this book from a distance, and I was jazzed when it came out. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Corinna’s work, they’re the founder of Scarleteen (the sex ed website for teens) and have written several sex ed books for teenagers.
What Fresh Hell Is This is a relatable, trans-inclusive guide to menopause. It’s not exclusively medical, and it’s not exclusively emotional. Basically, it unpacks all of the confusing (and often under researched) aspects of menopause so that you know what you’re getting into.
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21. Queer Conception by Kristin Kali (November 2022)
Autumn 2022 was the season of guides. What Fresh Hell Is This isn’t a medical guide, but Queer Conception definitely is.
Written by a midwife, and specifically focused on conception and pregnancy for queer and trans folks, Queer Conception is a handy guide for clinicians and for people who are exploring what family-creation might look like for them.
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22. Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab (December 2022)
What better time to read a book about boundaries than during the winter travel season? This book is a guide, but it’s incredibly snackable — you could read it in a single sitting if you wanted to.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace is written by a therapist and guided in CBT (cognitive behavior therapy, not the other one) and offers practical tips for setting and actively affirming your boundaries, even in challenging situations.
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23. Gender Outlaw by Kate Bornstein (January 2023)
The updated version of Gender Outlaw talks through Bornstein’s always-shifting experiences with gender and how she engages with the world. It talks frankly about the medical aspects of transition, but also unpacks the nuances of moving through the world as a person.
Gender Outlaw is a series of personal/political essays and also includes a one-act play. It was first published in 1994, then re-released with an updated introduction in 2016. In many ways, it’s both a time capsule and timeless.
24. The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay by Marla Renee Stewart and Jess O’Reilly (February 2023)
It had been a while since we read something sexy for book club, and this assignment kicked off a handful of sexy, sultry assignments. Marla Renee Stewart and Jess O’Reilly are both leaders in the human sexuality world, and their vast wealth of knowledge is distilled in this book.
At times silly, and other times serious and introspective, this book is a great overview guide for those wanting to improve their partnered sex lives.
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25. Body Language edited by Nicole Chung and Matt Ortile (March 2023)
This collection of essays is all about bodies, and it touches on so many different topics. From miscarriages to eating disorders, orgasms to clothing design, you’re sure to find at least one essay that surprises you and one essay that touches your core.
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26. How to Write Erotica by Rachel Kramer Bussel (April 2023)
There are a BUNCH of fan fiction aficionados (and writers) in Sex-Positive Book Club, so this one went out to all of the folks who prefer to take the DIY approach to erotica. Rachel Kramer Bussel has written and edited tons of published erotica, and in this book, she breaks down all of her industry knowledge from plot design to publishing.
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27. Tongue Tied by Stella Harris (May 2023)
True story: I had tried to assign this book so many times, but I couldn’t get my hands on enough copies to supply all of my bookclubbers. Then, early in 2023, my distributor restocked their supply.
Tongue Tied is a practical guide to sexual communication, and it’s truly a fantastic read. It ended up being several people’s favorite book assignment (one person even dressed up as the cover for our final book club meeting).
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28. Refusing Compulsory Sexuality by Sherronda J. Brown (June 2023)
I saw this book on a list of upcoming titles about a year before it was published, and I was SO excited to read it. Then, it stayed in hardcover format for almost a year without a paperback companion (and I almost never send hardcovers to the bookclub group). Finally the paperback came out, so we got to read this shortly before book club wrapped up.
Refusing Compulsory Sexuality is one of the most theoretical and academically-toned books we’ve read in book club. Rather than just sending a reading guide of questions, I also sent several journal articles about asexuality, plus a PDF of Adrienne Rich’s article “Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence”, which forms the foundation for Brown’s work.
It’s a searing and honest look at how we conceptualize — and require — sexuality in the United States. It’s an eye-opening read, especially for folks who perhaps overemphasize the “positive” in sex-positive.
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29. Yerba Buena by Nina LaCour (July 2023)
Our final fiction break! I first read Yerba Buena for fun and then decided that it needed to go into the book club rotation as a fiction break. When introducing this book, I said that reading it “felt like my heart was put into a dryer with a bunch of pineapples.” On the second read, it didn’t punch quite as hard — but it still left me breathless at times.
This book is so sensory and atmospheric. It’s told from the two main characters’ perspectives, chapter by chapter, and it covers about a decade of time. It’s all about the stories we tell ourselves, how we become who we are, and reconciling where we came from (while trying to find love, too).
It’s so good that several people listed it as their favorite book we read as a group (and dressed up as the original cover for our final meeting).
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30. Pretty Baby by Chris Belcher (August 2023)
Our final book club assignment (for now, at least) was Pretty Baby, a memoir by Chris Belcher. It’s framed as being a memoir of Belcher’s time working as a dominatrix in Los Angeles, but it gives SO much more than that. This book is about growing up queer in Appalachia, the relationship between sex, power, money, and labor, and about gender. It has some sections that are pretty tough to read, but it ends on hope and connection.
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