I have tried more than my fair share of sex toys in my day. I’ve tried vibrators that (literally) shocked me, dildos that left me bruised, sensory stim toys that gave me goosebumps. A handful of toys that I’ve tried have left me very pleasantly surprised.
I’ve tried enough toys that I’ll never use again that I have a large cardboard box sitting in my car full of toys waiting to be sent off to toy recycling so that they don’t need to take up space in my house anymore. That was especially important when we lived in a 650 square foot apartment, and even though our living space has doubled, I’m still not willing to share my home with these toys. There is no “maybe one day” for them. There is only pain, disappointment, and one sad vagina.
There is one silver lining to the fact that the Box of Miserable Toys has yet to be shipped off to recycling: I got to try the OhMyG by Ioba Toys before it got mailed off. Now, I don’t have to pay two admittance fees to the toy recycling people.
When Ioba Toys reached out to me about a sponsored Instagram post, I told them my guidelines:
- I needed to know who was behind the company (no shell or Amazon corporations, thank you)
- I needed to know the toy materials
- I needed to try the toy myself
Three simple enough things, and I got answers straight away. I’d seen other sex educators posting about the OhMyG before, so I was curious about it. But I’d also read a scathing review or two. The demo OhMyG was mailed out to me and I waited patiently to try it.
Not every toy is going to be for me, and I know that. I would never presume that everyone’s vagina likes the same things that my vagina likes. So when I go into toy review sessions, I go in with an open mind and a lot of lube, and the OhMyG got that same, fair treatment.
How the OhMyG Is Advertised
In my office, I have countless sex toys organized by type. Dildos are in a dildo drawer together, butt plugs clank around in harmony, and harnesses are neatly folded up. But I truly don’t know where I would put the OhMyG. It brands itself as a “super-silent G-spot massager” (we’ll come back to that first part in a minute) and g-spot stimulator is really the only way I could categorize this toy. It’s not a vibrator – in fact, only one very small part of it (the pearl) moves, and that movement isn’t vibration, oscillation, suction, or thrusting. It’s meant to mimic the back-and-forth motion that g-zones tend to like, but it misses the mark (more on this in a moment).
Ioba Toys has placed itself into the luxury market, with the OhMyG coming in at $159. That’s where I categorize luxury toys. It’s a lot of money. It has to really be worth it for me to pay that much for it (and of course, I received this one for free). If I’m going to recommend a toy to someone, I have to be able to say “yeah, if you like X type of stimulation, this is worth the price point.” Hold that thought.
Materials & Design
The OhMyG is made of silicone, which is great. It comes in two colors, Pepto Pink and Banana Cream (no, before you look, those are not the official names). The one I got is the banana cream color (off-white), and I actually really like the color. I think it’s pretty and retro-looking. It has a gold-colored band around the bottom where the button is.
The OhMyG is notably not waterproof — in fact, I wouldn’t even go so far as to call it water-resistant. Ioba Toys, however, does label the OhMyG as “Waterproof: Protected against splashing of water.” I mean, sure, you could gently splash water on this, but that doesn’t make something waterproof. It’s not a handwritten document with ink that could bleed. It’s a sex toy.
The thing that makes the OhMyG notably not waterproof is the charger. Most of the electronic sex toys I own has magnetic chargers, meaning there are no electrical holes that water can get into and destroy your toy. The rest of them all have charging port covers, so you can protect the port from excess water while cleaning it. The OhMyG’s charging port looks almost like the charging port on my MacBook Pro – which is to say, it’s an odd charger.
It does not have a cover for the port, which made cleaning the OhMyG another stressful part of this stressful review. To clean it, you can use hot, soapy water, but first, you have to pop out the “pearl” and this feels decidedly unnatural. (Video below — sound on for the popping sound it makes)
The OhMyG is curved, which does make it a little easier to hold on to than if it were a straight-handled insertable toy.
Now, back to that “super-silent” thing I mentioned a bit ago. When you open up the box and turn the toy on, it is pretty quiet. If it’s just sitting in my hand being observed, the pearl’s movement is sounds sort of like a lightly ringing fan motor. Here’s the thing, though. The OhMyG isn’t going to sit in my hand being observed. It’s going into my vagina. And that’s when the tragedy began.
How the OhMyG Performed
Before I started working for myself full-time as a sex educator, I was the Director of Marketing at a software company – so I know a thing or two about fluffing your language on a product. Before that, I worked at a media company and it was my job to come up with social media copy that would make people want to click on and share posts.
So I can see why someone would be like “a SUPER-SILENT TOY! THAT’S the descriptor we have to use.”
Here’s the thing though: There’s got to be some practical truth to how you market a product. Sure, the OhMyG is pretty quiet when it’s outside of my body, but once I inserted it? Oh, my fucking god.
Epiphora already had this “wtf does this sound like” moment, and I agree with their assessment. Once the OhMyG was in my body, it sounded like a cross between the woodpecker at my old house who loved pecking the metal gutters and a dolphin who thinks that you are an absolute dumbass.
Which is to say: It’s not quiet.
Look, I care about quiet things. I do. I share a bedroom wall with my next door neighbors. I care about not waking them up in the middle of the day when I’m testing out toys.
But my threshold for motorized toys isn’t silence. My general threshold for “is a toy loud?” is “do my pets freak out when it’s turned on and under a blanket?” If the answer is yes, it’s too loud for me. While the OhMyG was, in fact, almost silent when it wasn’t in my body, it became absurdly loud once it was.
Need some proof? Check the video below for what it sounds like without my hand and what it sounds like with my hand. Yes, this is what it sounded like when it was inside me.
Beyond the noise, this toy actually hurt me.
I do not have a faint-hearted vagina. I have enjoyed being fisted before. I like penetration. I have a pubic bone that sticks out more than the average person’s, but I know how to handle it. But no matter how I tried, I could not make the OhMyG feel good inside of me. Here are all of the ways that it hurt:
- It hurt during insertion
- It hurt during adjustment
- It hurt while it was on, even on the lowest setting
- It hurt when I removed it
- My vagina hurt for several hours after I removed it
I even used another toy to warm my body up before I tried to use the OhMyG. I used abundant amounts of lube. I removed it, adjusted my position, and tried again. And again. And again. I’m pretty sure the pearl bruised my g-zone. I actually spot bled afterward!
Beyond being noisy and painful, I found the OhMyG to be boring. The pearl’s movements are so minute, and the pearl itself so small, that it didn’t give my g-zone anything to write home about. (It did, however, give me fodder for this review). You also have to hold the OhMyG in place the whole time you use it — and you really aren’t meant to move it.
With a dildo, you might ride it or use your hands to penetrate yourself. With the OhMyG, you insert it, adjust, move it slightly, but mostly hang out. You can’t easily move this toy in and out of your body, because it gets larger the entire way down, which means it continues to stretch the opening of your vagina. With most insertable toys, you get an initial “oomph” that eases with greater insertion. With the OhMyG, the girth just continues to increase, so your introitus never gets to relax. I also couldn’t move it a ton because if I did, the pearl got angry and became louder and more painful.
There was only one place in my vagina where this toy didn’t hurt me — and when the pearl was situated there, I couldn’t feel anything at all. Nestled between my g-zone and my cervix, the OhMyG was comfortably in the midlands and was just, again, sort of hanging out. If I removed it slightly, bringing it closer to my g-zone, the woodpecker/dophin punching tournament resumed.
After an hour of trying this toy, I gave up. My vagina was tired and sore and unhappy, and my patience had worn thin. I did not have an orgasm, nor did I come close to having one. I didn’t even have a fun time!
I waited a few hours and then wrote a letter to the company saying that I would not be moving forward with an advertising partnership with them because I didn’t find their toy pleasurable.
In all, I’m glad that I didn’t have to pay for this experience. If I had, I would be pretty upset. Because I still have that $159 in my bank account, this ultimately is just a hazard of the job and a story that I’m already able to laugh about. So, dear reader, I beg you: Before you make purchase a toy based on one influencer’s review (even my own!) please do more research. Find other reviews. Balance the scales.
Remember, just because a company is running a large influencer campaign doesn’t mean their product is any good. It just means they’re spending money on advertising.
I’ll be adding the OhMyG to the box of toys to never be used again, and once I finally drop them off at the post office, my vagina and I will finally be free of their sad memories.